I’ve got something to share! (coming out as trans)

📖 Note: This post is from the archives. It may reflect outdated views or a previous name. It explores sensitive subjects and includes a CW for gender dysphoria, mental health, and suicide.

I have been working on this post, on-and-off, for a few months. I have put a lot of time and effort into this post because I want to make sure I say what I really want to say, how I want it to be said.

It’s big but not bad, so don’t panic.

All my life, I have felt out of place. I always knew there was something wrong but I could never put my finger on what was making me uncomfortable. This spiralled me into years of self-hatred, depression and the constant urge to end my life.

Eventually this urge became too much to bear and I attempted to take my own life. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that night. I remember feeling uneasy but unable to turn around and go home. I was ready to throw everything away when an older man pulled me over the barrier from behind. This experience made me realize I had the power to completely change my life, for better or for worse.

That night I made a promise to myself that I would never let it get to that point again. I had to force myself to make a bunch of difficult decisions, but over time, I learned how to control these feelings and allowed myself to focus on becoming who and what I wanted to be.

I made a lot of changes and yet I still felt out of place.

Until this September.

I started to remember various suppressed childhood memories that provided a lot of context into why I was uncomfortable. I remembered getting into trouble because I liked to play with toys that were “intended for girls.” I remember being told that I looked “like a fag” when I pranced around the house too girlishly. I remember being forced to do masculine activities because I needed to be “rounded out.” I now realize that being gendered as a boy has been the source of my discomfort all along. I should have been gendered as a girl. I am transgender.

Transgender (adjective) - Noting or relating to a person whose gender identity does not correspond to that person’s biological sex assigned at birth.

That feeling is something you’re born with. It’s not my fault, it’s not your fault. It’s a feeling that’s never gone away. In fact it’s only grown stronger. I explored the transgender community, did the research, attended support groups and sought refuge in LGBTQ in Tech’s #trans channel. I met a lot of amazing people along the way and learned so much through their experiences.

I finally feel like I can be happy. Every step towards doing this is terrifying but feels right. Knowing that there is a way to be more comfortable with who I am has changed my mind on how the rest of my life could be.

I have picked the name Willow and my pronouns are she/her. It’s important to me that everyone uses the pronouns and name I’ve chosen to address me.

I’m on a waiting list for hormone replacement therapy. This means that over time, changes will happen. That said, I will still be me. I will still love programming, hiking, criminology, travelling, etc. Life won’t change in a lot of ways. I’ll still work, study, travel, all of those things.

I know that for some, this will be difficult to get used to but my hope is even if you don’t necessarily agree with this for whatever reason, you’ll at least understand that this is not a decision nor easy for me. It’s not something impulsive. It’s something I need to do to be happy and healthy and I hope you embrace Willow into your life, as she isn’t going anywhere.

Call me if you want to. I’m happy to talk about it.

❤